Feeling broken

It's been 4 years 3 months and 15 days since I held you last. It feels like just yesterday that I was holding you for the first time. I didn't get a chance to get to know you. And now I am forced to live life with out you. Everyday I miss you. Everyday I struggle to not go over the edge. I don't know how to be there for Daddy. I don't know how to help him. He misses you so much. You weren't supposed to go. I am so sorry that I couldn't protect you. My arm still burns from where your cold body rested on it while I tried to figure out what was happening. I miss you baby, you will always b my Pretty Pretty Princess.

It's been a while...

I don't want to say that I forgot about this blog, but I guess that I put it in the back of my head. When my son was born it brought up a huge variety of emotions. I wasn't sure how to feel. I was happy, but at the same time was scared. I was still so angry with everything, but how could I be so angry when I have such a beautiful little person in my arms.

What kind of Mom am I?

What kind of mother amd I that my baby is dying in my arms and I didn't know? How did I not know why couldn't I feel her leaving? How did I sleep while she died. My heart is gone. And now what made me feel I have the right to have another baby. What gives me the right to be a mother. This pain is too great. This pain makes me sick. Iclosemy eyes and picture my baby looking at me wanting to wake up wanting me to see that she was dying,that she couldn't breath. And I didn't. I was supposed to protect her,and I didn't. I picture her trying to kick and trying to wake me but she was swaddled so she couldn't. I don't understand. I'm now just 2 months away from having my baby and I'm scared out of my mind. I am so angry. I have so much hate and anger and fear in me right now and I don't know what to do with it. I take it out on the person who has been my rock. With out my husband I would not have been able to survive. Yet, for some reason I hate him for keeping me alive. My heart died with Tianna, at times I just want to go. I'm no longer afraid to die because I know that my baby girl is waiting for me. But that wont be for a long time. Iknow have my little man on the way. And I'm going to be the best mom ever. He will be spoiled and treated like a prince. He will be that baby that cries when he is put down,because I'm going to hold him all the time. I am so scared. I am looking in myself for the strenght to do this. I have hurt my husband so much with my empty hate that he wants to seperate. I feel like I deserve it,but I can't do this alone. I just want my family. I want to feel whole. I want to feel ok about being happy. My lil' Man is my reason for living. I can't wait for him to get here so I can be happy again. I just want to be at peace with losing Tianna. Will it ever happen?

A letter to my Grammy...

My grandmother passed away on July 4th,2007. Her ashes were buried a week later on her birthday,July 11th. She was a very special person to me. She played a big role in who I am today. She made me the strong woman I am. I often talk to her, and sometimes write her a message on her web site my family set up in her memory. I know that my Tianna is with her. And since she cant be with me I cant think of someone else I would want to watch her until I can hold her again. This is a letter i wrote to them...

Grammy I know that Tianna is with you. Somedays that is the only thing that keeps me breathing. I just have a favor to ask. Since she is no longer here can you just do a few things for me... Please take my baby and hold her... Give her kisses everyday and even more at night... Tell her I love her and that I miss her. Make sure she remembers me like I remember you. Don't let her forget me. Give her big hugs all the time. She likes to watch football. She likes the Dr. Suess books... I always read her "Oh The Places You Will Go". Please show here tons of love... I think she's scared of the dark so please leave a light on for her. She likes to snuggle... She is me "Pretty Pretty Princess"... I would call her that after She got dressed and looked so beautiful... Tell her I'm sorry that I can't be with her... Tell her that I will be with her again in time. Tell her that I can't wait to hold her and kiss her again. She is half of my heart and I miss her so much. Please take care of her Grammy. Make sure that she can look down on me so she can see me and remember my face so that when it's my turn to join the two of you she'll remember me. Please tell her not to worry if she sees me crying... The tears that I cry for her are tears of love for her. I'm the proudest Mom in the world. I know that you will take good care of my angel. She is a good girl and let her know it. Make sure she knows how much she is loved... Tell her I said she'll be ok. Tell her I said to keep smiling. Tell her I'm sorry that we can't snuggle anymore... I miss you both so much... She looks great in pink and purple... She is my rose that I didn't get to see bloom. Please just make sure that she knows that she is loved... I wish she was still here... I wish I could just hold her I'd never let her go... I miss you Tianna... Mommy and Daddy love you... We think of you every minute of everyday... I send you kisses every night... I love you Grammy will be there to take care of you untill I can join you. Be a good girl... Don't cry... I know that i'm not there right now but we will be together again... I promise... I love you... Remember you're my "Pretty Pretty Princess"... I promised you that I would never let anyone hurt you so that is why I want my Grammy to take care of you now that I can't. I love you... Never forget that.. or me

Unthankful Thanksgiving

When I was little, in school they would have us make a list of things that we were thankful for. The list would typicly have family, pets, friends, food... that kind of stuff. Out of habbit evey year I think of the things that I am thankful for. Last year I didn't know that I was pregnant. And If you asked me a little over 2 months ago what I was going to put on my thankfl list this year. I would have simply said Tianna. I would have been thanful for my new family. My baby girl. Today is the 27th of November... Making it 2 months since she has been taken from me. Stolen. What do I have to be tahnkful for? I hate when people say that I should be thankful to have had her for 5 weeks. They make it seem like I am being selfish for wanting my baby here with me. "She's with your Grandmother now, be thankful to have such a great babysitter." There is nothing like a mothers love. No one could care for her like me. I know that they are just trying to help, but it doesn't. I would be thankful to get my baby back... I would be thankful to beable to hold her again, to give her just one more kiss, to be able to tell her I love her. I would be thankful to be able to watch her grow up, to be able to hear her laugh, her voice. To see her smile, her eyes. But I have nothing. I have been robbed of lifes greatest gift. And for that I can not be thankful. There is no way to twist any of it to make me thankful. I am full of too much anger to be thankful. So this year I didn't make a list... Instead I cried.

The Greastest Pain

I always imagined having kids. I wanted to wait till I was very successful and owned my own house and was married and had nice amount of money put aside for a rainy day... It didn't work out that way. I am with the love of my life, not married, however 11+ years is a good amount of time. We had our own place and I had just finished school and started a job in my carrer field. I was constantly thinking about what kind of parent I was going to be. I didn't want to have a spoiled child, but I didn't want her to need for anything. I wanted to make sure that she appreciated everything she had. from clothes, toys, to a house and health. I wanted her to be book smart and street smart. I wanted her to be a strong independent woman who no matter what happened in her life she kept her head up. I wanted her to beable to cook and clean and do the laundry. But at the same time I wanted her to know how to fix a car and know the different terms in sports. I wanted her to have a big heart. I wanted to her to know that there was no reason to ever question Mommy's and Daddy's love. Kisses and hugs every morning and night. Family nights for us to all talk about our week. With all that I thought about, I never thought that this would happen. I never thought that my Baby Girl would be taken from me. She was only 5 weeks. The pain is overwhelming. It's more pain than 1000 knives stabbing me in the heart. It's more pain than then 1 million paper cuts. This pain is something that I could never explain. This pain is something that I would wish on no one. And I mean NO ONE. I was watching tv today and a man go put in jail for 30+ years for killing 3 people while drunk driving... Where is my justice? What kind of closer do I get for my heart? I don't and I never will. I will forever be missing a piece of my heart. I will never be complete. I do want to have another baby, but a new baby will make my heart bigger giving it room for her/him. But there will always be a hole, a empty space, a never ending pain that I will never get over. That I will never be ok with. That I will always be mad at and never understand why. It will never be fair. I will never be at peace about it. I will always ask why. And I will always love my Tianna. My angel. My heart. My love. My reason. And now I am without. Now I am alone. I feel cried out. I'm tired of the numbing pain. I'm tired of having to pretend to be strong. I just want to lay in bed and cry. I want to be with my baby. I'm not afaid of death anymore, because I know that when I die I'll be with Tianna again. And I know that I can once again be complete.

I'm just drained...

Every morning when I wake up I hope that when I open my eyes that it will have all been just a dream... or should I say nightmare. Every morning getting up and not having my baby girl here is a feeling that few will understand. My heart will never heal, I will just have to learn to live with the pain. My questions will never be answered. I just want to know "Why?". Why take her? Why take my baby? It makes me sick just thinking about this. I often wonder what I did to deserve this. Was I bad mom? Was it something I did? Did I miss something? Was she sick and I didn't see it? I want answers. I want to know why. I want my Baby back. I want my smile back. I want my happiness back. My heart has a hole and it can't be fixed. I feel so filled with pain. I'm going to burst. I have more pain running through my veins then I have blood. Tears don't help to release any pain. They are almost like a drug that will temporarily numb me. A deep, hard cry can put you into a fog that can give you some kind of peace... but just till the tears dry. Then the pain comes rushing back, sometimes worse than before. Almost to punish you for trying to take a time out from it. It takes so much energy to go on. To pretend that life has worth is exhausting. Every ounce of energy is drained from my soul. It has been replaced with anger. Life as I know it has been drained from my soul. And if I can't have my baby back... I want nothing.