Please take no offense...

I got the idea to make this blog from a friend. He and his wife recently lost a beautiful baby girl. And that has made us part of the same club. If you are a friend or family member, close or distant, please don't be offended that I did not open this blog to you. Your support has been great. However, the pain that I have, the sadness that I feel can only be understood by fellow club members. Feel free to stay and read, and comment. Some of the things that are said are not towards you. This blog is for my grief and my pain.

With Love, Maddie

Monday, May 17, 2010

What kind of Mom am I?

What kind of mother amd I that my baby is dying in my arms and I didn't know? How did I not know why couldn't I feel her leaving? How did I sleep while she died. My heart is gone. And now what made me feel I have the right to have another baby. What gives me the right to be a mother. This pain is too great. This pain makes me sick. Iclosemy eyes and picture my baby looking at me wanting to wake up wanting me to see that she was dying,that she couldn't breath. And I didn't. I was supposed to protect her,and I didn't. I picture her trying to kick and trying to wake me but she was swaddled so she couldn't. I don't understand. I'm now just 2 months away from having my baby and I'm scared out of my mind. I am so angry. I have so much hate and anger and fear in me right now and I don't know what to do with it. I take it out on the person who has been my rock. With out my husband I would not have been able to survive. Yet, for some reason I hate him for keeping me alive. My heart died with Tianna, at times I just want to go. I'm no longer afraid to die because I know that my baby girl is waiting for me. But that wont be for a long time. Iknow have my little man on the way. And I'm going to be the best mom ever. He will be spoiled and treated like a prince. He will be that baby that cries when he is put down,because I'm going to hold him all the time. I am so scared. I am looking in myself for the strenght to do this. I have hurt my husband so much with my empty hate that he wants to seperate. I feel like I deserve it,but I can't do this alone. I just want my family. I want to feel whole. I want to feel ok about being happy. My lil' Man is my reason for living. I can't wait for him to get here so I can be happy again. I just want to be at peace with losing Tianna. Will it ever happen?

Saturday, January 2, 2010

A letter to my Grammy...

My grandmother passed away on July 4th,2007. Her ashes were buried a week later on her birthday,July 11th. She was a very special person to me. She played a big role in who I am today. She made me the strong woman I am. I often talk to her, and sometimes write her a message on her web site my family set up in her memory. I know that my Tianna is with her. And since she cant be with me I cant think of someone else I would want to watch her until I can hold her again. This is a letter i wrote to them...

Grammy I know that Tianna is with you. Somedays that is the only thing that keeps me breathing. I just have a favor to ask. Since she is no longer here can you just do a few things for me... Please take my baby and hold her... Give her kisses everyday and even more at night... Tell her I love her and that I miss her. Make sure she remembers me like I remember you. Don't let her forget me. Give her big hugs all the time. She likes to watch football. She likes the Dr. Suess books... I always read her "Oh The Places You Will Go". Please show here tons of love... I think she's scared of the dark so please leave a light on for her. She likes to snuggle... She is me "Pretty Pretty Princess"... I would call her that after She got dressed and looked so beautiful... Tell her I'm sorry that I can't be with her... Tell her that I will be with her again in time. Tell her that I can't wait to hold her and kiss her again. She is half of my heart and I miss her so much. Please take care of her Grammy. Make sure that she can look down on me so she can see me and remember my face so that when it's my turn to join the two of you she'll remember me. Please tell her not to worry if she sees me crying... The tears that I cry for her are tears of love for her. I'm the proudest Mom in the world. I know that you will take good care of my angel. She is a good girl and let her know it. Make sure she knows how much she is loved... Tell her I said she'll be ok. Tell her I said to keep smiling. Tell her I'm sorry that we can't snuggle anymore... I miss you both so much... She looks great in pink and purple... She is my rose that I didn't get to see bloom. Please just make sure that she knows that she is loved... I wish she was still here... I wish I could just hold her I'd never let her go... I miss you Tianna... Mommy and Daddy love you... We think of you every minute of everyday... I send you kisses every night... I love you Grammy will be there to take care of you untill I can join you. Be a good girl... Don't cry... I know that i'm not there right now but we will be together again... I promise... I love you... Remember you're my "Pretty Pretty Princess"... I promised you that I would never let anyone hurt you so that is why I want my Grammy to take care of you now that I can't. I love you... Never forget that.. or me