Please take no offense...

I got the idea to make this blog from a friend. He and his wife recently lost a beautiful baby girl. And that has made us part of the same club. If you are a friend or family member, close or distant, please don't be offended that I did not open this blog to you. Your support has been great. However, the pain that I have, the sadness that I feel can only be understood by fellow club members. Feel free to stay and read, and comment. Some of the things that are said are not towards you. This blog is for my grief and my pain.

With Love, Maddie

Monday, May 17, 2010

What kind of Mom am I?

What kind of mother amd I that my baby is dying in my arms and I didn't know? How did I not know why couldn't I feel her leaving? How did I sleep while she died. My heart is gone. And now what made me feel I have the right to have another baby. What gives me the right to be a mother. This pain is too great. This pain makes me sick. Iclosemy eyes and picture my baby looking at me wanting to wake up wanting me to see that she was dying,that she couldn't breath. And I didn't. I was supposed to protect her,and I didn't. I picture her trying to kick and trying to wake me but she was swaddled so she couldn't. I don't understand. I'm now just 2 months away from having my baby and I'm scared out of my mind. I am so angry. I have so much hate and anger and fear in me right now and I don't know what to do with it. I take it out on the person who has been my rock. With out my husband I would not have been able to survive. Yet, for some reason I hate him for keeping me alive. My heart died with Tianna, at times I just want to go. I'm no longer afraid to die because I know that my baby girl is waiting for me. But that wont be for a long time. Iknow have my little man on the way. And I'm going to be the best mom ever. He will be spoiled and treated like a prince. He will be that baby that cries when he is put down,because I'm going to hold him all the time. I am so scared. I am looking in myself for the strenght to do this. I have hurt my husband so much with my empty hate that he wants to seperate. I feel like I deserve it,but I can't do this alone. I just want my family. I want to feel whole. I want to feel ok about being happy. My lil' Man is my reason for living. I can't wait for him to get here so I can be happy again. I just want to be at peace with losing Tianna. Will it ever happen?


  1. I still feel like the death of my daughter is all my fault. It's been so difficult to cope with her loss, I just can't find the energy to live anymore. I know my other children still need me, I know I need to overcome my grief, I just don't know how. A friend recommend this site to me, for steps on how I can overcome my grief and pain. So far it's making a difference in my life and I hope it helps you too.