Monday, May 17, 2010
What kind of Mom am I?
What kind of mother amd I that my baby is dying in my arms and I didn't know? How did I not know why couldn't I feel her leaving? How did I sleep while she died. My heart is gone. And now what made me feel I have the right to have another baby. What gives me the right to be a mother. This pain is too great. This pain makes me sick. Iclosemy eyes and picture my baby looking at me wanting to wake up wanting me to see that she was dying,that she couldn't breath. And I didn't. I was supposed to protect her,and I didn't. I picture her trying to kick and trying to wake me but she was swaddled so she couldn't. I don't understand. I'm now just 2 months away from having my baby and I'm scared out of my mind. I am so angry. I have so much hate and anger and fear in me right now and I don't know what to do with it. I take it out on the person who has been my rock. With out my husband I would not have been able to survive. Yet, for some reason I hate him for keeping me alive. My heart died with Tianna, at times I just want to go. I'm no longer afraid to die because I know that my baby girl is waiting for me. But that wont be for a long time. Iknow have my little man on the way. And I'm going to be the best mom ever. He will be spoiled and treated like a prince. He will be that baby that cries when he is put down,because I'm going to hold him all the time. I am so scared. I am looking in myself for the strenght to do this. I have hurt my husband so much with my empty hate that he wants to seperate. I feel like I deserve it,but I can't do this alone. I just want my family. I want to feel whole. I want to feel ok about being happy. My lil' Man is my reason for living. I can't wait for him to get here so I can be happy again. I just want to be at peace with losing Tianna. Will it ever happen?