Friday, November 27, 2009
When I was little, in school they would have us make a list of things that we were thankful for. The list would typicly have family, pets, friends, food... that kind of stuff. Out of habbit evey year I think of the things that I am thankful for. Last year I didn't know that I was pregnant. And If you asked me a little over 2 months ago what I was going to put on my thankfl list this year. I would have simply said Tianna. I would have been thanful for my new family. My baby girl. Today is the 27th of November... Making it 2 months since she has been taken from me. Stolen. What do I have to be tahnkful for? I hate when people say that I should be thankful to have had her for 5 weeks. They make it seem like I am being selfish for wanting my baby here with me. "She's with your Grandmother now, be thankful to have such a great babysitter." There is nothing like a mothers love. No one could care for her like me. I know that they are just trying to help, but it doesn't. I would be thankful to get my baby back... I would be thankful to beable to hold her again, to give her just one more kiss, to be able to tell her I love her. I would be thankful to be able to watch her grow up, to be able to hear her laugh, her voice. To see her smile, her eyes. But I have nothing. I have been robbed of lifes greatest gift. And for that I can not be thankful. There is no way to twist any of it to make me thankful. I am full of too much anger to be thankful. So this year I didn't make a list... Instead I cried.
I always imagined having kids. I wanted to wait till I was very successful and owned my own house and was married and had nice amount of money put aside for a rainy day... It didn't work out that way. I am with the love of my life, not married, however 11+ years is a good amount of time. We had our own place and I had just finished school and started a job in my carrer field. I was constantly thinking about what kind of parent I was going to be. I didn't want to have a spoiled child, but I didn't want her to need for anything. I wanted to make sure that she appreciated everything she had. from clothes, toys, to a house and health. I wanted her to be book smart and street smart. I wanted her to be a strong independent woman who no matter what happened in her life she kept her head up. I wanted her to beable to cook and clean and do the laundry. But at the same time I wanted her to know how to fix a car and know the different terms in sports. I wanted her to have a big heart. I wanted to her to know that there was no reason to ever question Mommy's and Daddy's love. Kisses and hugs every morning and night. Family nights for us to all talk about our week. With all that I thought about, I never thought that this would happen. I never thought that my Baby Girl would be taken from me. She was only 5 weeks. The pain is overwhelming. It's more pain than 1000 knives stabbing me in the heart. It's more pain than then 1 million paper cuts. This pain is something that I could never explain. This pain is something that I would wish on no one. And I mean NO ONE. I was watching tv today and a man go put in jail for 30+ years for killing 3 people while drunk driving... Where is my justice? What kind of closer do I get for my heart? I don't and I never will. I will forever be missing a piece of my heart. I will never be complete. I do want to have another baby, but a new baby will make my heart bigger giving it room for her/him. But there will always be a hole, a empty space, a never ending pain that I will never get over. That I will never be ok with. That I will always be mad at and never understand why. It will never be fair. I will never be at peace about it. I will always ask why. And I will always love my Tianna. My angel. My heart. My love. My reason. And now I am without. Now I am alone. I feel cried out. I'm tired of the numbing pain. I'm tired of having to pretend to be strong. I just want to lay in bed and cry. I want to be with my baby. I'm not afaid of death anymore, because I know that when I die I'll be with Tianna again. And I know that I can once again be complete.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Every morning when I wake up I hope that when I open my eyes that it will have all been just a dream... or should I say nightmare. Every morning getting up and not having my baby girl here is a feeling that few will understand. My heart will never heal, I will just have to learn to live with the pain. My questions will never be answered. I just want to know "Why?". Why take her? Why take my baby? It makes me sick just thinking about this. I often wonder what I did to deserve this. Was I bad mom? Was it something I did? Did I miss something? Was she sick and I didn't see it? I want answers. I want to know why. I want my Baby back. I want my smile back. I want my happiness back. My heart has a hole and it can't be fixed. I feel so filled with pain. I'm going to burst. I have more pain running through my veins then I have blood. Tears don't help to release any pain. They are almost like a drug that will temporarily numb me. A deep, hard cry can put you into a fog that can give you some kind of peace... but just till the tears dry. Then the pain comes rushing back, sometimes worse than before. Almost to punish you for trying to take a time out from it. It takes so much energy to go on. To pretend that life has worth is exhausting. Every ounce of energy is drained from my soul. It has been replaced with anger. Life as I know it has been drained from my soul. And if I can't have my baby back... I want nothing.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I am now apart of a club. A club that no one wants to be apart of. However, we are forced into membership. The fee is great and the burden even greater. The time that it requires from you is endless. There is no way out, and you will forever struggle with why you were forced in. And anyone who is not part of the club will never understand. They will never know the pain. They will never know what it's like. This is the club for those who have lost a child. On August 20th, 2009 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Tianna Michael Madison Lopes. She quickly became my world, my life, my everything. My heart beat with a special note. My eyes could see with a glow of light. A short 5 weeks later, my baby girl, my angel was taken from me. She was stollen from my arms. My world came to a crashing stop. My breath seemed worthless. My heart missing it beats. The light that lit my world was taken and I am left in the dark. Friends and family try to help. Offering condolences and hug and "Anything you need". Anything I need??? Yes, I need my baby back. That's all I want. You can take everythying else. I don't want it or need it. I just want my Tianna back. I don't want to hear shes in a better place. I don't want to hear that she is happy and smiling down on me. With me, her mother, that is the best place for her to be. I want to see her smile. I never got to hear her laugh. I never got to hear her call me mommy. I never got sloppy kisses. I never got to kiss her boo boo. I am now left with less then I had before I was pregnant with her. My first born. My baby girl. My love, my life, my heart, my EVERYTHING. Gone.