Friday, November 27, 2009
The Greastest Pain
I always imagined having kids. I wanted to wait till I was very successful and owned my own house and was married and had nice amount of money put aside for a rainy day... It didn't work out that way. I am with the love of my life, not married, however 11+ years is a good amount of time. We had our own place and I had just finished school and started a job in my carrer field. I was constantly thinking about what kind of parent I was going to be. I didn't want to have a spoiled child, but I didn't want her to need for anything. I wanted to make sure that she appreciated everything she had. from clothes, toys, to a house and health. I wanted her to be book smart and street smart. I wanted her to be a strong independent woman who no matter what happened in her life she kept her head up. I wanted her to beable to cook and clean and do the laundry. But at the same time I wanted her to know how to fix a car and know the different terms in sports. I wanted her to have a big heart. I wanted to her to know that there was no reason to ever question Mommy's and Daddy's love. Kisses and hugs every morning and night. Family nights for us to all talk about our week. With all that I thought about, I never thought that this would happen. I never thought that my Baby Girl would be taken from me. She was only 5 weeks. The pain is overwhelming. It's more pain than 1000 knives stabbing me in the heart. It's more pain than then 1 million paper cuts. This pain is something that I could never explain. This pain is something that I would wish on no one. And I mean NO ONE. I was watching tv today and a man go put in jail for 30+ years for killing 3 people while drunk driving... Where is my justice? What kind of closer do I get for my heart? I don't and I never will. I will forever be missing a piece of my heart. I will never be complete. I do want to have another baby, but a new baby will make my heart bigger giving it room for her/him. But there will always be a hole, a empty space, a never ending pain that I will never get over. That I will never be ok with. That I will always be mad at and never understand why. It will never be fair. I will never be at peace about it. I will always ask why. And I will always love my Tianna. My angel. My heart. My love. My reason. And now I am without. Now I am alone. I feel cried out. I'm tired of the numbing pain. I'm tired of having to pretend to be strong. I just want to lay in bed and cry. I want to be with my baby. I'm not afaid of death anymore, because I know that when I die I'll be with Tianna again. And I know that I can once again be complete.