Please take no offense...

I got the idea to make this blog from a friend. He and his wife recently lost a beautiful baby girl. And that has made us part of the same club. If you are a friend or family member, close or distant, please don't be offended that I did not open this blog to you. Your support has been great. However, the pain that I have, the sadness that I feel can only be understood by fellow club members. Feel free to stay and read, and comment. Some of the things that are said are not towards you. This blog is for my grief and my pain.

With Love, Maddie

Monday, November 23, 2009

I'm just drained...

Every morning when I wake up I hope that when I open my eyes that it will have all been just a dream... or should I say nightmare. Every morning getting up and not having my baby girl here is a feeling that few will understand. My heart will never heal, I will just have to learn to live with the pain. My questions will never be answered. I just want to know "Why?". Why take her? Why take my baby? It makes me sick just thinking about this. I often wonder what I did to deserve this. Was I bad mom? Was it something I did? Did I miss something? Was she sick and I didn't see it? I want answers. I want to know why. I want my Baby back. I want my smile back. I want my happiness back. My heart has a hole and it can't be fixed. I feel so filled with pain. I'm going to burst. I have more pain running through my veins then I have blood. Tears don't help to release any pain. They are almost like a drug that will temporarily numb me. A deep, hard cry can put you into a fog that can give you some kind of peace... but just till the tears dry. Then the pain comes rushing back, sometimes worse than before. Almost to punish you for trying to take a time out from it. It takes so much energy to go on. To pretend that life has worth is exhausting. Every ounce of energy is drained from my soul. It has been replaced with anger. Life as I know it has been drained from my soul. And if I can't have my baby back... I want nothing.

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